A Fear Realized

I'm back...believe it or not.

I just got out of line at Starbucks and the girl in front of me ordered a venti white mocha with 7 sugar-in-the-raws. WHAT?!?!

Yes, I'm judging...SEVEN Sugar in the Raws.

Now, you take a quick look at me and you know right away that I like me some brownies and cookies, but I've never heard of such in a drink.

And get this...after the barista made a chuckle at the order, the girl said, "Hey, I used to be at 13, so I'm getting better."

My judgment quickly went straight to pity...poor girl who needs 13 sugars in her venti white mocha.

Just kidding...

Never fear, here comes my story that she can judge me on.

I'm "alone" this weekend for most of it. Cade is with his dad.

Well, my favorite thing to do on a Friday night is go to the gym. I go to the gym almost everyday (because I eat so many brownies and cookies!) but my favorite day is Fridays and the best time on Friday is the 7-9:00 p.m. time.

It's quiet...because everyone else has a life and has something to do on a Friday night...and I can stay on the treadmill forever watching Frasier on "We" T.V. with no one giving me the evil eye that I'm hogging the good treadmill.

Last night I walked for an hour and a half because the episodes were some classics and at one point I was bent forward laughing so hard.

I didn't care that the man 3 treadmills down probably thought I was a loon because, let's face it, he's at the gym on a Friday night too. He and I are both losers.

So I get my laugh on and walk till I'm ready to call it a day, and last night's episodes were 2 words, HA. Larious.

Today, I'm going to write about fear; a topic I am an expert on.

I must say, that I truly believe Satan has got my number on this thing called fear.

A girl who lives a charmed life, had an incredible childhood, supportive and loving parents, every opportunity at her finger tips, a decent brain, a healthy body, some skills (Ya, I got mad skillz!), confidence, and a willingness to stand up and go get something, yet can be paralyzed by fear.

Somehow, someway, that girl can allow fear to completely run her life...ruin her life...paralyze her life...get her brain so twisted, her heart so lost, her soul so empty that it's just as tragic as Whitney's drug induced death.

So what do I fear?

How much time you got.

How long can a blog be.

Through time my fears have changed; through walking life my fears have shifted, lessened, morphed, become more apparent, masked themselves, and everything in between.

I'm an observer, a people watcher, an eavesdropper, and a thinker.

At times, these skillz (yep, some of my mad skillz!) can be used for good, but boy can they be used for evil as well.

Even though I might see things others do not, I can find myself only interested in watching and not participating.

I can be too content with listening to others and not creating a voice of my own or having confidence that my voice has something worth saying.

I can think and over think and rethink and yet never decide or find the power of decision overwhelming, so I choose the safe place.

My fear has always been something I've been aware of.

At 10, when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I do believe my fear went to a whole other level...the level that one day would require the God of the universe to come in and save me on.

At a young age, due to a circumstance I did not create nor know what to do with, something happened to place me on a path that would lead me to God.

We fear the terrible things in life, the deaths, the divorces, the devastation's, yet why else would we look for God if it were not for those things?

I grew up in a home with two parents who couldn't have loved the Lord more, who lived their faith, who taught their children about the Savior of the world. I never knew a day without "Jesus Loves Me."

But, my relationship with Him did not truly begin until my fears were realized.

I didn't know how much I needed Him until, well,  I really needed Him.

If you would have asked me 10 years ago what I feared most, my answer would be betrayal/rejection, losing my mom (my best friend), or someday losing a child.

Two of those 3 have occurred and yet, today I sit knowing who my God is, having a hope that didn't exist 10 years ago, and having experienced the beauty of grace.

It seems through that I should have learned to not let fear suck the life out of me.

So did I?

Do I have fears today?

Um, ya.

I fear fear will continue to rule my life, that I'm not really enough, that I won't ever be romanced, I fear that what I am waiting on doesn't exist or isn't something I should be waiting on, I fear that things will be like before, I fear I am not worthy, I fear that God has forgotten or that I'm too grumbly or complainy to be worth fixing or that I'm on some rabbit trail that God isn't even on.

I fear that the hokey poky is what it is really all about.

No, I don't...but in other words, my fears, though "real" and something I feel, they aren't worth letting my life be ruled by them.

They are just fodder for youths that haven't met the Maker of the Heaven and earth just yet. They are more often lies that land me on a hamster wheel that goes round and round and traps me in something that isn't going anywhere.

My fears are as big as I let them grow...but my God, no matter how much I let them grow, my God is bigger than they are.

Walking through the tough, through what you feared most in life lets you in on a little secret, and what is that secret you ask,

you get through it...

you keep walking and somehow, someway it passes, life moves on, God carries you through, and Heaven is still awaiting you, Jesus' sacrifice is that much sweeter, and His grace is that more real.

Does your heart hurt through it all?

More than you ever thought possible.

Does your soul question everything about life?

Your questions could fill a sea.

Does God meet you there in that pit of despair?

In ways you never knew existed, and at times, so tangible you think you could touch Him.

Does God answer you all your questions?

In His time and in His overwhelmingly gracious way and at times with a voice so audible, you swear 3 years is a marker for something big.  (22 days more...not that I'm counting :)  )

Life is a battle. A battle of will, of fears, of misunderstandings, of pride, of confusion, of heart-breaking tragedies, of "What is this all about?", of mountain tops, of waiting, of valleys of death, and of glorious moments of new births.

If my realizing of fears taught me anything, it's that the best place to be in this battle called life is in the trenches with God, or to be in the place of trusting, of KNOWING that God is in the trenches with you.

No matter how quiet times might be,
or how I might think He's left my trench and I'm just endlessly waiting for Him to return to it and questioning if He has forgotten about me in my trench,
or if my dreams that I am getting fearful of even having are stupid or a distraction or not what I should be dreaming,
or how I might convince myself I'm not worthy of being remembered by the Maker of Heaven and earth...

He's fighting.

He might be letting me have time to rest, live, enjoy the reprieve, and experience trusting in Him

as He orchestrates, as He creates the route, as He puts the pieces in order,

as He fights.

"But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still."

If I was completely honest, my biggest fear is that what God did yesterday was the last of it...that I got my shot yesterday and blew it.

But that's just another fear, a lie that places me on a hamster wheel to nowhere.

Just because I give up on things, does not mean God does.

My life is a vapor (don't get started on that fear!  ;) ) yet somehow that vapor is significant to God, is worthwhile to the God of the universe, and for reasons unknown to me, God shows up each day, with new mercies, unending grace, and new paths, new ways...

And I shall wait in hope.

I shall wait knowing that no matter what comes, I've been invited to sit next to the One who orchestrated the beginning and the end, and He will continue to guide and carry and show up in ways I never knew possible.

I shall trust, I shall believe, I shall listen to Him speak to me.

"Do not fear, Shelly, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!

Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.

And, Shelly, you are My witness, and My servant for whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He...I am the Lord, and there is no Savior besides Me...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched...
For I am the Lord your God...


Do not fear, for I am with you...


Why are you in despair and disturbed?

Shelly, your ways are not hidden from Me.

Come to My altar, see My light, hear My truth.


For My thoughts are not your thoughts Shelly, nor are your ways My ways, For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts...


Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell Me, where were you when the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy? Have you ever in your life commanded the morning?


So, do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new...I will even make a roadway in the desert, rivers in the desert...

My lovingkindness never ceases, Shelly, My compassions never fail, they are new every morning.

I do not become weary or tired.
I give strength and increase power.

Wait on Me and you will gain new strength.

You will mount up on wings like eagles.

I am for you, so do not fear...I came down from My throne and drew you out of many waters and delivered you and rescued you.


And nothing, Shelly, can separate you from My love.


And just as I did far more than you ever thought yesterday, you can't even think or imagine what tomorrow holds.


You had heard of Me before, Shelly, but now you have seen Me.


Remember...remember ME.


Abide in Me, rest in Me, trust in Me.


Lift up your eyes and remember Me.


Your help comes from the Maker of Heaven and earth.
I do not sleep. I do not slumber.


I am your keeper.
I am your shade.
I am your protector.
I keep your soul, and I guard your life.


Forever.

I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears...O taste and see that the Lord is good...The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.

May you all be blessed this weekend.

May the moment we all hop on the hamster wheel of fear, may we remember the Maker of heaven and earth has us in the palm of His hand...and that's the greatest place to be, and therefore, we truly have nothing to fear.

In Him,
Shelly